CHAPTER 2 – The Contentious Truths


The following are some of the “truths” I believe I have learned from my experiences with the gay life.  In order to be considered “truths” here the experience has to be something that has repeated itself many (more than five) times and over a period of more than ten years.

I.     Gay relationships will likely not last for any significant time

Sorry. But this is my experience and that of every single gay couple I have known since 1983, save for a few “open” relationships and two that basically became roommate relations for all intensive purposes. I have heard claims of couples that have been together for twenty years of more, though I have never seen proof of this or actually met such people myself.

II.  Gay relationships are very unlikely to be monogamous

Again, sorry. But I know of only one couple (amongst hundreds I have known) who appear to be monogamous. Obviously, this is not a scientific study. But one of the most thorough studies in Britain has claimed to reveal that over ninety percent of gay male relationships are not monogamous. This corresponds rather chillingly to my own life experience.

III. Dishonesty and wishful thinking are the norm

This is perhaps the most contentious of the “contentious truths” I have had to face. But I mention it, because it is in my opinion the single most important factor which prevented me from leaving earlier. In other words I couldn’t get any “straight” (pardon the expression) answers about these things and was left in limbo for years hoping that I was wrong about everything I had seen and experienced. This culture of “fantasy” (for use of a more diplomatic term) leads to the phenomenon I call “not believing one’s own eyes”. In other words “there must be something wrong with me if the numbers don’t add up or I can’t see all of these monogamous, happy couples”.

I know people can experience the same reality very differently, but isn’t 90+ percent still 90+ percent for everybody?

IV.  Don’t laugh, Hetero. You’re next!

From what I can see and from the little statistics I do follow, heterosexual relationships are starting to experience many of the same problems that appear to have inherently plagued gay relationships.  In fact much of the ideology (from the 1960’s and 1970’s) that permeates that community has spread and become what would appear to be the one and only truth in much of the heterosexual community today. Some will spitefully argue that all sorts of horrible things have been going on in secret in traditional homes since the beginning of time. But modern statistics seem to indicate that there once existed a more stable relationship in marriage and that this has changed since the late 1960’s in most western countries. I don’t envy the many heterosexuals who are experiencing and will in the future experience broken homes and shattered dreams.

I can’t speak for others, but I know that my grandparents and parents stuck together through thick and thin and have no reason to doubt that husband and wife were faithful to each other.

In fact, I suspect that an increasing number of “life is better alone” groups will spring up as a result in the near future.

So what?

So I wish the adults I spoke to and trusted as a fifteen year old back in the 1980’s would have shared these contentious observations with me, however disheartening it may have felt at the time. I would likely have pondered the information in secret, even if I ranted against it in public back then.

And so?

In sum, I would say to a stranger today:  “If you are someone who is looking for a stable, monogamous and romantic relationship built upon friendship and love, you are very unlikely to find what you are looking for in a same-sex relationship”.

“If you are a very physically/sexually-oriented person who is non-sentimental, competitive and easily gets bored and wants to try the next thing, you will likely be very pleased with the gay culture… at least for a time”.


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