EPILOGUE – So where are you now?


The short answer to this question is that I am living my life to the fullest, experiencing economic difficulties, but getting along. I have people who care about me and their friendship keeps me going. In other words, I have the usual problems most people do, but the world I now live in is one of personal growth and lots of honesty. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

One question I am sure I will be asked before long is “Did you give up all of your previous friends from the gay community”. The answer is “no”. In fact I made some very good and mature friends, most of whom are themselves alone now and most who despite my respect for their own personal choices are not dating anyone.

However, there are previous friends of mine who for whatever reason could not accept my choice and decided not to associate with me anymore. Surprisingly, some of them were even liberal heterosexuals. That’s their choice. I certainly don’t regret mine.

As far as retaining or giving up friends, I believe it is more of a personality and values-related issue than whether or not a particular friend is gay or not. In fact, I don’t care if someone I meet is gay or hetero or asexual, as long as we jell. But I do tend to jell more with traditional conservative and older straight people than with very liberal straight people or gay people. That’s probably more of a cultural issue. As far as friends are concerned, the sexuality issue has absolutely no bearing on anything in my life, least of all my choice of friends. Its first and foremost about trust and values.

So what’s the point of all that you’ve been through?

I’d say that what I have experienced has given me something I have longed for more than anything else: wisdom. I think this experience put me light years ahead of where I would have been otherwise. And it has turned me into a leader; not a follower. I’ve charted extremly difficult territory where most people would be too afraid to go and gotten through it. Now I am used to charting new paths and can help others.

I have also learnt to weed out the significant from the insignificant things in life and not to get hung up on the kitchen sink, washing machines, cloths or boyfriends/girlfriends. Rather, I’ve learnt to start dealing with the big questions and try to find the big answers. What I have been through has also brought me to a healthy respect for established truths and traditions. I now understand that our ancestors and those who came before us established many of the rules we have in order to prevent us from getting hurt and drawn into complete chaos. You could say that what I’ve been through has provided me with a natural tendancy toward conservatism in the traditional sense of the word (i.e. don’t play with the controls, if you do not know what they do).

Why do we all have to hear about this personal journey of yours?

Well in principle, you don’t if you are not interested. But I assume that most people visiting this page are people who themselves have or know people who have thoughts in the back of their minds of leaving the gay life and wonder what has happened to others who did so.

This testament is here so that someone else can learn from what happened to me. I can’t promise that what worked for me will work for you. But I can promise that every word I have written is one hundred percent honest- nothing added and nothing subtracted. This is what I have honestly experienced.

Do you ever experience “withdrawals”?

During the first few years, I would experience very short bouts of “what if”-depression, in other words the feeling of longing for a companion. It would usually be sparked by some Hollywood film and would last about three days, sort of like a cold. The bouts have become less and less frequent with one per year at the most.  They have also become less and less intense and having experience of working through them successfully before and knowing what they are really helps make them very mild.

Some people have talked about retaliatory actions against people who leave. Did you run into this?

I wish I could answer “no” to this question.  But have experienced a few organized personal attacks from various radical activists when I told acquaintances I had left the gay life and community. Knowing that community, I think most normal members could care less if someone goes their own way. But there is the odd obsessive personality in every community and I did end up at one time having to file police reports.

So what do you want from the gay community now?

Absolutely nothing. I have turned my back on that in 2003 and simply want to go forward and grow as an individual and as part of something larger than myself (society, the nation). This site is the only artifact related to the former part of my life.

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