CHAPTER 3 – So, the grass is greener on the other side?


Many persons who are considering leaving the gay life will ultimately ask the question of whether one could be more happy in a heterosexual relationship. Many religious organizations attempt to convince “defecting” gay people to start and maintain a heterosexual relationship. This may be a very unethical and ill-informed practise!

My proposed short answer (an opinion, by all means) is that a completely gay person cannot and should not attempt to enter a heterosexual relationship with another person simply to find “happiness” or to win religious bonus points.  It’s not just about escaping problems with unrealistic expectations; its about the other person’s rights and happiness!

Why should an innocent woman or man be forced to settle for less in a relationship with someone who cannot experience him or her as a heterosexual husband or wife would? Inevitably someone will feel that they are consenting to this with full knowledge and making an informed choice. However, they soon realize that the vows were made for life (in Mormonism, for time and eternity) and that life is often a very long time!

And in Judaism, the husband has an obligation to satisfy the wife!  Now how halachically correct or ethical can it be to knowingly set up a situation where this will likely not occur? Are clergy, family and friends and even the couple not all implicated in this unethical act?

However, the above solution may be just fine for a person who has exhibited bisexual tendancies. He or she is simply turning away from the other destructive half of their personality makeup. And if the other factors, such as genuine love, respect, family and friendship are there, this can be a more stable, soothing and honest experience in comparison with the previous relationships.

So the grass is greener on the other side?

It depends on what you were looking for and who you get together with. In general, because of the cognitive differences, there will be a stronger tendency toward stability and accommodation. However, during the past few decades, it appears (from my experience and from those dreaded statistics) that many heterosexual relationships are starting to take on the negative characteristics seen so often in homosexual relationships. What used to be the exclusive purview of the Hollywood crowd seems to have become commonplace in nearly all parts of the western world.

Much of the same ideological jargon can be heard in referring to rules and norms of heterosexual relationships among the younger generation today: One shouldn’t “own” the other, one shouldn’t become jealous at infidelity, truth is in the eye of the beholder, marriage is a petty bourgeois thing of the past, sex is the essential part of the relationship and should be dynamic, youth is best, etc.

And remember: Heterosexual or not, marriage isn’t for everybody! Some people have not been able to marry, despite their own efforts and those of the community. Yet,  many have lived very happy, fulfilling and productive lives! In fact, it may be that the more intelligent and gifted a person is, the more “misunderstood” they will be and the harder to find a suitable partner. So being single (though unavailable) is a legitimate option!

So I’m condemned to a life of solitude!

Absolutely not! There are many shades of colour in between!

In fact, I’ve identified about ten alternative living arrangements which do not involve living alone and yet do not involve getting back into the gay life!  Each of them involves the joys of friendship, without the horrible chaos of a gay relationship. Each of them is voluntary and cannot be forced upon you.

In fact, my personal advice to those seeking to leave the gay life is to not live alone and to not hop into or allow themselves to be forced into heterosexual relationships.  Instead, live with good friends and gain a sense of unity and family. Start learning about good and healthy relationships and experiencing them. Friendship is one of the truly miraculous relationships between humans! And, in my experience, a true friendship without an agenda is one of the most healing forces a person can experience.

It was through healthy friendships with other men (some of them gay) that I found out an important secret:

Friendship is better!


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